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Distracted, disproportionate and deluded. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Lost.... [Aug. 19th, 2007|06:59 pm]
[Current Location |New house]
[mood |sadsad]
[music |APC?]

So, once again, I'm updating....with things that seem of little importance......When it comes down to it, there is nothing concrete there, and no discernible connections between others that I can really grab onto.

I can't remember when I last posted, so I'm going to make a stab in the dark and go from starting full time work over the summer....and then hanging out a lot with some new people.....and developing feelings for someone...and old feelings for someone else coming flooding back....

Along with the constant confusion about sexuality added. And moving house. And money worries. And turning 20. And having people look down on you......

The biggest problem is feeling alone. Feeling very alone.

I want to cry. There is no one around that can comfort me, or who connects with me on that utterly essential level that I so desperately crave. Sometimes I wonder if I just want the rehash of an old relationship, but in truth, I want more than that. I want someone to want to get to know all of me, to be captivating, lively, ambitious, burning, energetic, thoughtful.....

Something I just can't find.

I'm still angry at the moment as someone had told me something that they've now gone back on....why tell someone you wanted them when you didn't actually want them in the first place?

I have no fucking clue.

Going on holiday in 3 weeks....now I'm not looking forward to it as much.....infact, I am mentally working out how much out of pocket I would be if I didn't go at all.....

I really want a hug.

Infest next weekend!!
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(no subject) [Jun. 24th, 2007|06:39 pm]
Strange feeling like this again. I can't quite pigeon-hole it all.

It might be longing, or yearning. Or both. That delicious feeling of falling in love.

It is far too addictive. So sweet, sickening, yet leaves us desperately scratching through piles of rocks to find it, taste it, devour it. Gorge until we regurgitate everything we've just consumed.

I'm not sure if it will ever happen to me again.

But if it is merely a chemical process,then chances are it will.

Oh, logic vs romanticism.

Tricky stuff.
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(no subject) [Jun. 24th, 2007|01:29 pm]

He still makes me angry.

The past should stay where it is.
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(no subject) [Jun. 23rd, 2007|12:12 am]

Should you trust them?

Borderline Personality Disorder? *sigh* I guess it makes sense.

I want to cry. When I feel like this, I can't remember feeling anything else. I just feel so empty, so devoid of feeling....I wonder how I can behave like I do sometimes- where do I get the energy? Most days I don't feel I have the energy to get out of bed....

Yet, I'm still alive. And I wonder for how long. Sometimes I think it is only a matter of time before I get sick of it all and stop giving a shit about the whole "it's selfish" argument.


Why can't I stop being like this? fdjfkdfgkldfglkfdgfdlkgjfdlkgjfdvnmbncbkjrhtgoie

Sometimes I see what other people say about being low and being miserable and I wonder if they are right.

"Life is hard". Yes. True. So why can everyone else deal with it and I can't?! What is it about me that makes it difficult to deal with it all? Why do I crumble and fake my way through so many situations?

What is this constant need for affection and love?! Why do I feel such a strong desire to be wanted at all times?

Why can't I just fucking deal with it all.
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(no subject) [May. 30th, 2007|10:38 pm]
Oh dear.

Why do I continue to not attempt to help myself?

I am constantly thinking, constantly thinking. How can I improve myself? Improve this, improve that, change this, amend that. Why am I so obsessed with change yet so utterly scared by it?

For example, tonight I could have gone out, and admittedly, watched an utterly shite film.

But, instead, I am sitting in a room. I guess I am talking to some people online now. But before I just wanted to cry because I was so utterly lonely. Also, I was talking to Daz in the garden, and some of the things he said made me sad.

These include him telling me again how I am bad for Alex. Which I can very much see.

Stu - 1 Plane. 4 Terrorists. 300 Spartans. says:
well to be honest i heard a bunch of mixed things about you
Stu - 1 Plane. 4 Terrorists. 300 Spartans. says:
like you were crazy

......... :| i give up.

So yeah. Apparently I am bad for alex. Yes. I am. He used to go to work. Now he struggles to get out of bed. As Daz says- there is a difference to being susceptible to depression and being in the midst of a bout of it. And whether I like it or not, it started when I came along....or broke up with him. Or whatever. Jesus I suck.

I am sad again now.

I don't want people to think I'm crazy.

Why can't people just like me.
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(no subject) [May. 19th, 2007|09:59 pm]
Several hours later, I resume my thinking and typing activities. I seem to have just moved myself from one place to the other but in exactly the same mood. I switched locations in an attempt to alleviate the loneliness and utter despair I feel, but I find myself in the same situation. I am still sat on my own in a room, still surrounded, even drowned, in background noise. I guess it is my own fault really. I could make an attempt to be social, to sit around, to smile. Talk, laugh, whatever. But it just seems like a huge hurdle to overcome, even attack. I am still not getting better numerically, I seem to have gotten worse judging by numbers- so I will have to find a cunning way to fool the doctor next week and avoid situations with my family. I am thoroughly sick of being bored now. Lazing around is rapidly losing its appeal, and I don't seem to do anything but su doku or sit on the internet, constantly checking websites and profiles for a hope of something new, something to distract me momentarily from thinking about anything else. Because when I stop and think.....it becomes apparent what exactly it is that is happening and I don't like it. I was saying to my mum before about how I feel like a child, and she asked me if I even wanted to grow up....I honestly don't know. Everything was simpler then, and somehow happier. I miss the ease of going to school, the comfortable boredom of a Sunday. Now, I am desperately trying to fill up time. But nothing holds my attention for too long these days. Nothing grabs me. I cannot commit to anything, which makes everything impossible.

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Good god, it never ends. [May. 19th, 2007|05:31 pm]
[Current Location |Winchester]
[mood |lonelylonely]
[music |Billie Holiday]

So here I am, still repeating the same things I always do.

I still am unable to do a lot of things, such as go out like a 'normal' person, think about 'normal' things, go to the gym, write, read, concentrate, revise, be cheerful....the list goes on.

I want to sort this mess out, how I do. I just can't seem to get round it all. There are two sides to me, and one is constantly fighting the other. Maybe one day I will be able to overpower the bad side and win. Saying that, I did come to the conclusion that I have to incorporate these difficulties into every day life, and learn how to cope with them rather than how to get rid of them. Because a leopard never changes its spots.

Perhaps what I need to do is to stop dwelling on everything and focus on other things, think positive. Which is easier than it sounds. I can't understand how all these people can go around saying 'cheer up'. I am so envious of the people who have a permanent sunny disposition. Oh, how lovely it must be to wake up smiling. I must sound like such an ungrateful bitch. All I seem to do is whine about how rubbish everything is. I am setting the record straight (for myself really, since I am the only one this is being read to- out loud, in my head, a self-reporting, as it were). I am so very grateful for my family, for the good friends I have who stick by me and care enough to text me and see how I'm doing....(saying that....there is only one person who actually does that...the rest will only text me if I text them first....am I unapproachable?), and for the fact that I wasn't born brain damaged/deaf/blind/dumb. And maybe for the gift of being able to spell well! Hah. It is like I was saying to Alex the other day, I need to take all this advice I dish out to other people and use it for myself. Take positive steps in life, and situations. But I can't seem to do it. I am, like a small child, taking the easy option in everything, for the sake of instant gratification. I can't seem to see past tomorrow. Or even today. 10 years down the line I will loathe myself unless I amend the damage I am doing.

I am supposed to be going to a christening tomorrow. I am unsure whether to go due to the location really, and the fact it's a big gathering of people, who will pick me apart with their eyes and judge me. Hmm, I say that. They probably won't give a shit, or know who I am. Anyway, churches and religion do adverse things to me. I wish I believed in something, had something to hold onto rather than merely breezing through life seemingly lacking purpose. Which is probably why I constantly search for someone to be with. I guess I feel like I need someone to validate my existance. Why else would I be here? A self-loathing, misanthropist like me isn't the kind of person who should be dwelling this earth. Oh, self esteem is a funny thing. One day it can seem like it exists, and hovers like a fine mist of perfume. The next day, it disappears leaving no trace, and the perfume has become a vile odour repulsive to all.
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(no subject) [May. 11th, 2007|08:34 am]
It seems pathetic now, but I'm kinda angry.

When you do your best to help someone, even though you're trying to manage your own head...and then you ask one little favour of them....I kinda hoped they would help me out-at a small inconvenience to them. Maybe they don't realise that I'm scared of said situation and wanted the comfort of someone familiar.

Maybe I just don't deserve it. Going back to a G.Ps words..."you're certainly not their best friend". Maybe he's right.
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Back to the drawing board.... [May. 10th, 2007|09:26 pm]
Today has been a horrible day.

It seems I always fall down everytime I seem to take a step forward.

Went to the EDS this morning, for a review. Got told to call Brookvale. Then met my mentor, who suggested dropping spanish to make less work for me,and so I could finish this year a little easier.

I lie to so many people about what I do (with regards to this specific problem), and I hate the fact that I do this. I know they want me to get better but I'm so fucking scared. I feel so selfish because I can't be good enough, and hurting them as well as me. I don't know how to get through this. I can't see a way out.

I have spent the afternoon in boredom.

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(no subject) [May. 9th, 2007|04:03 am]
[mood |awakeawake]

*wanders off to make a cup of tea*

I am angry. At people that called themselves friends but haven't bothered to make the effort.

I was going to write a lot more but I got distracted with bad things.
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