|Good god, it never ends.
||[May. 19th, 2007|05:31 pm]
So here I am, still repeating the same things I always do.
I still am unable to do a lot of things, such as go out like a 'normal' person, think about 'normal' things, go to the gym, write, read, concentrate, revise, be cheerful....the list goes on.
I want to sort this mess out, how I do. I just can't seem to get round it all. There are two sides to me, and one is constantly fighting the other. Maybe one day I will be able to overpower the bad side and win. Saying that, I did come to the conclusion that I have to incorporate these difficulties into every day life, and learn how to cope with them rather than how to get rid of them. Because a leopard never changes its spots.
Perhaps what I need to do is to stop dwelling on everything and focus on other things, think positive. Which is easier than it sounds. I can't understand how all these people can go around saying 'cheer up'. I am so envious of the people who have a permanent sunny disposition. Oh, how lovely it must be to wake up smiling. I must sound like such an ungrateful bitch. All I seem to do is whine about how rubbish everything is. I am setting the record straight (for myself really, since I am the only one this is being read to- out loud, in my head, a self-reporting, as it were). I am so very grateful for my family, for the good friends I have who stick by me and care enough to text me and see how I'm doing....(saying that....there is only one person who actually does that...the rest will only text me if I text them first....am I unapproachable?), and for the fact that I wasn't born brain damaged/deaf/blind/dumb. And maybe for the gift of being able to spell well! Hah. It is like I was saying to Alex the other day, I need to take all this advice I dish out to other people and use it for myself. Take positive steps in life, and situations. But I can't seem to do it. I am, like a small child, taking the easy option in everything, for the sake of instant gratification. I can't seem to see past tomorrow. Or even today. 10 years down the line I will loathe myself unless I amend the damage I am doing.
I am supposed to be going to a christening tomorrow. I am unsure whether to go due to the location really, and the fact it's a big gathering of people, who will pick me apart with their eyes and judge me. Hmm, I say that. They probably won't give a shit, or know who I am. Anyway, churches and religion do adverse things to me. I wish I believed in something, had something to hold onto rather than merely breezing through life seemingly lacking purpose. Which is probably why I constantly search for someone to be with. I guess I feel like I need someone to validate my existance. Why else would I be here? A self-loathing, misanthropist like me isn't the kind of person who should be dwelling this earth. Oh, self esteem is a funny thing. One day it can seem like it exists, and hovers like a fine mist of perfume. The next day, it disappears leaving no trace, and the perfume has become a vile odour repulsive to all.