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Distracted, disproportionate and deluded. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
xforeverfadingx

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(no subject) [Aug. 12th, 2009|11:15 pm]
xforeverfadingx
Gah.

I suck. I'm full of hideous self-loathing and wallowing in it, rather disgustingly.

I just wish I was *Goood* at things rather than being awkward/average/shit.

I really, really don't like myself right now.

End of.
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(no subject) [Jul. 15th, 2009|08:50 pm]
xforeverfadingx
Distracted a bit too much by House.

Not been sick today. Managed to keep some food down. Stina=1, illness=0 (notice how I get caps and illness doesn't :P)

Who am I talking to? Ah yes, no one.

I pretty much should just write more.

Or watch more House...
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(no subject) [Jul. 10th, 2009|10:25 pm]
xforeverfadingx
I think I think too much. I walk, I over-analyse. I see, I over-analyse. You get the picture. There doesn't seem to be much I don't do without thinking, thinking.

Gah.

My nervous system feels constantly on edge. Everything makes me twitch, jump, my heart rate elevate. Words dwindle to paranoid thoughts.

I need lots and lots of sleep.

Keep talking, keep talking, keep talking. I don't much like to be alone with my own thoughts. My own personal dictator.

Perhaps I should tidy. Sort it out.
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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2009|10:35 am]
xforeverfadingx
[mood |blankblank]

I have a shiny new computer. I like it; there's something about typing on a real keyboard rather than an integrated one. Currently wishing I didn't have to go to work, or stay there for 6 hours. There is something very demoralising about standing around all day and having no customers. It gives me too much time to think.

I need to make a list of things I want to do over Summer; there are so many books I want to read. I want to get better at piano and re-learn German. Oh, and write. I really haven't done that for a while.

For now, adieu, my invisible audience.
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This is. [Jun. 5th, 2009|03:27 am]
xforeverfadingx
Fucking ridiculous.

No really. I can't sleep. I remembered why I stopped taking anti-depressants in the first place. They do this to me; I haven't been able to sleep, my muscles ache and twitch, my head pounds and I feel like I'm speaking through a filter.

I want the effects to go away, get out of my system. I don't know which I'd rather be, bloody miserable and tearful all the time or like this. I'm so exhausted. I want to sleep .

Goddammit.

In other news, I realised I lost my Achewood t-shirt. Most saddening.
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Updating. [May. 19th, 2009|08:57 pm]
xforeverfadingx
I figured I should update; it's been a mere 2 weeks (according to the nice piece of code that logs when I last posted) but it feels like longer. I haven't really been able to write anything of any worth for some time now. I think I've gone stale. Or lost the 'creative spark'. Not that I really possessed it.

Regardless, my life in the last few weeks has been odd; there has been the stresses of handing in final essays and worrying over my dissertation (and contemplating whether trying to burn down PH's office would be completely inexcusable or not) and the stresses of having to deal with other's stresses. R has been full of worry over assignments and revision. Possibly due to the outcome of his first exams last year, which meant the nasty repercussions of retakes. I have been feeling depressed of late, I'm not entirely sure whether it's down to new hormones or what. I had the implant removed from my arm and am now on the mini-pill which so far seems okay, but the moods are way down. Whether this is hormone-based or not is unclear.

After some deliberation, I signed the contract for the house next year. Which means in July I get my very own lovely big room, adorned with shelves to house my many books! Hurrah!

Other than that, it has been work, and seeing friends. Gwyn and I went to the art gallery last week and afterwards we wandered into town for coffee. She bought me a teacup necklace, it's adorable! She seems a lot better than she was, I think this is largely due to being taken off Prozac. That stuff is the work of the devil.

I have learnt to play poker in the last few weeks, albeit badly. I've lost quite quickly when I've played, perhaps I need to develop a better skill at lying. The problem is, I feel so uncomfortable with lying, even when it is a very minor lie that would have no consequences. An innate sense of doing good overtakes me and I always ending up blurting out the truth, for better or for worse.

Whilst the others were playing chess last week, Luke and I decided to read the Bible for a while. It is quite literally the most ridiculous book I have ever read. Especially the part about Sodom and Gommorrah, and Lot sleeping with his daughters to father children. It quite sickens me. It just seems to have a complete absence of sense, or common decency. But I guess that is not really required for the 'word of God'. Funny how under the guise of religion, anything can be said. Perhaps the society of old saw this and used it as a potent buffer against criticism. Awful.

K has a new girlfriend. Although they are not technically in a relationship, since she is not entirely over her ex-fiance. Maybe it is not the best relationship (or pseudo relationship) for him to be getting into since he has completely changed and now acts like an adoring puppy around her.

Christ. I was in Peter Rhodes today with RS, quietly talking (about politics and my as-yet-undecided political stance, although I feel I am leaning towards the Conservatives) and Kate Middleton I think her name was, decided to come and talk to (or at) us. She talked for about 45 minutes. She seemed to be the kind of character who likes to try and shock people. Firstly there was the discussions of sexual abuse, the multitude of references to how she has shocked people before, and the fact that she used to be a man. After a while, I admit I shut off, but had to keep politely smiling and nodding so she didn't start crying or get angry. Which I believe is something she may well have done. She was clearly a sociopath; no normal person would reveal such information to strangers. I believe perhaps she was desperately seeking attention, and approval.

Psychobabble. R came with me to therapy again this morning. After he had left (having given his obligatory 'everything's okay' nod) I discussed a book I had read recently on eating disorders, citing the mother-daughter relationship as key to the formation of bulimia. Sadly, I did see my life reduced to a case study in a book, which may be a narrow view, but everything was true, aside from the detail of the alcoholic father. Odd. Sometimes I'm not sure of my identity and reduce myself to the problems of eating and emotionally unbalanced. Who am I without these characteristics?
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I feel slightly....angry? [May. 2nd, 2009|10:12 pm]
xforeverfadingx
Well, well, LJ.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm pretty mired in the whole teen-angst thing still, since I seem to be sitting wringing my (metaphorical) hands in desperation and wondering why everything feels like it's falling apart.

Right now I don't feel entirely great, in fact I feel like nothing about me is good enough, and that I'm a massive failure. I'm probably going to end up with an average degree (despite how hard I've felt I've worked), I'm merely average at things. And not even that in a lot of cases.

Secondly, amongst a group of people we have been hanging out with regularly, there is someone who I feel undermines all that I am quite often. Every negative comment is always accompany by a cutesy-voiced giggle or something. Because I'm not pristine enough and I'm oversensitive no doubt. Perhaps I am, and I really should just stop reading so much into everything. I am constantly convinced though that everyone dislikes me, and the hanging out with me is merely a pretense based on sympathy. God, what is wrong with me?

I miss a lot of decent people. Saw a few friends tonight I hadn't seen in a few weeks and I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed their company. I miss K. I miss my sisters. I feel like maybe I've alienated a lot of people - I'm gonna have to make the effort to sort things out.

I can't wait til this year is over.
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Illness. YAY. [Feb. 8th, 2009|12:46 pm]
xforeverfadingx
My throat feels like it's been attacked with a cheese grater.

This sucks. I really want to do some dissertation work but my head feels like candyfloss so I can't really concentrate all that well. Instead, I think I'm going to...watch a film I have to watch tomorrow and rest until I can see straight?

I haven't posted on here in forever. I don't think.

I've moved over to the darkside (i.e. blogger.com) but I kinda miss LJ.

Anyway, illness FTL.
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(no subject) [Nov. 12th, 2007|10:52 am]
xforeverfadingx
How the fuck do you tell someone you don't love them?

What do you say to someone if they say 'I love you' and you can't say it back?

What about if you don't want to have sex with them?

Should you really be in a relationship with them?
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(no subject) [Oct. 22nd, 2007|09:35 am]
xforeverfadingx
[Current Location |Uni]
[mood |angryangry]
[music |Brand New]

And so, another weekend, another week gone, inching closer to university life again.

I have had such an utterly strange summer, and one of, seemingly, many realisations and with a bit of growing up included.

Since university finished for the summer, I have continued to live at home, moved out, moved out again, worked in 3 jobs, seen various friends, cried a lot, started going to the gym again, made endless plans...


[well that was an old draft]

I am feeling too full of emotion. My stomach hurts, and I'm feeling incredibly incredibly angry and sad and wanting to cry.

What teh fuck is wrong with me? (again)
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